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  “I always wanted you, Carrie. I was confused. I was hurt. But I always wanted you.”

  “Not enough,” I whispered. “You didn’t want me enough. I didn’t confuse or hurt you. I wasn’t the one who made you feel those things. That was all Brandi except I got the brunt of it. Not only did I bring you back from all that but I had to stand by while you decided if you wanted me or her. I deserve better than that, Drew. And I’m not going to let you, or anyone else, make me feel like I don’t ever again.”

  “Fuck!” he screamed, scaring me again. Knowing Connor was there if I needed him helped, but Drew was starting to worry me. “You deserve better. You’re right. But I never made you feel like you didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry, Drew but you don’t get to tell me how I feel. Only I know that.”

  “Then tell me, Carrie. How do you feel? Because I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. I feel like I lost the only things that ever mattered to me. I feel like I’m here baring my soul and it’s getting me nowhere. How do you feel?”

  A part of me wanted to leap at his words and tell him he was wrong. That he hadn’t lost me and that being there meant something. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lie to him and make him feel better about not being there for me when I needed him the most. I couldn’t tell him that calling Riley and Connor to take me to the hospital was okay because he was with Brandi.

  It wasn’t okay. None of it was. Yeah, the timing was shitty, but the truth was, it didn’t matter what had happened, if he loved me, he wouldn’t have been with her. If he loved me, he would have been there for me.

  “I’m tired, Drew. Tired of feeling like my feelings don’t matter. Tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. Tired of feeling like I’m just second rate, a substitute. Tired of feeling so sad and scared all the time.”

  Drew walked back to me, a look in his eyes that I had no trouble reading. He was concerned, like a good boyfriend would be. His eyes betrayed his heart and I found myself wishing that maybe things could work out.

  Then I put my hand over my stomach and felt the emptiness inside. It wouldn’t work out. Even if I could get past Drew not being there for me, I wasn’t sure I could get past him not being sure about me, about us. If he could be so flippant about our relationship once, it could happen again. And I couldn’t risk my heart like that.

  “Carrie, let me help you. Let me take care of you.”

  I shook my head. “No, Drew. It’s too late for that now. It’s too late to tell me things are going to work out and we’ll be fine. You haven’t resolved anything but I have. I’m not giving you a choice. I’m not going to wait around like some pathetic woman. I love you, I have for a while, but I’m not willing to be treated like I’m not that important. Like you can throw away my feelings at the drop of a hat.”

  Drew’s lips came down on mine in a flash. His kiss, firm and demanding, was an attempt to tell me how he felt. For a second I let myself give in to the feeling of him, his lips against mine, his hands on my cheeks, the familiar scent of him swirling around me.

  Then the bite of my teeth against the inside of my lip reminded me of the pain I’d been through.

  I reached up between us and rested my hands on his chest. Knowing it would be the last time I touched him, I memorized the feel of him.

  Then pushed.

  Drew stumbled backward, caught off guard by my force. His brown eyes were confused, but I forced my face to be firm, decided, unwavering.

  “I think you should leave,” I stated.

  “Why? Carrie, I’m choosing you. I want you.”

  “In the whole time you’ve been here, Drew, that’s the first time you’ve said it. But I already told you, I’m not waiting around for you to make a decision.”

  “I’ve made my decision. There is no more waiting.”

  “Except you haven’t. Not really. It’s been a week since she walked back into your life. A week since I walked out. You let me leave and you never called me to tell me to come back. You didn’t come by once to tell me what happened with her, or to talk to me, or anything. Me losing the baby made you think about everything differently and now you feel guilty. I understand that. But it’s no way to start a life together. I’m not going to let you give up the person you obvious want to be with because you feel badly for me. I know how much you loved Brandi. This is your second chance to be with her. I truly hope you two are happy together. It’s all I want for you, Drew. To be happy.”

  “I won’t be happy without you, Carrie. Don’t you see that?”

  I shook my head and took a step back as he stepped toward me. “Yes, you will be. I think it’s time you go.”

  “Not until I convince you that I want you in my life.”

  “Drew, I let you in. Now I’m tired and I need my rest. Please, don’t make this harder on me.”

  “Carrie, I’m not leaving.”

  “Connor!” I called out, knowing he was lurking nearby.

  Connor stepped into the living room and stalked over to where we were. He positioned himself between Drew and me, protecting me from the man I loved.

  “It’s time to go Drew.”

  “Please don’t do this,” Drew said to Connor but his eyes were on me.

  “I’m sorry, man,” Connor said with a hint of regret. “I’m here to make sure she gets her rest and doesn’t have a lot of stress. I’m pretty sure you’re making trouble on both sides.”

  Drew gave me one last look then sighed with defeat. “I’ll be back,” he promised, then he slammed out the door.

  Twenty-One

  ”Are you okay?” Riley asked from beside me.

  I didn’t remember her walking out of the bedroom or getting to my side. All of a sudden I was very weak. Everything was spinning.

  The next thing I remembered was seeing Riley looking down at me, her face full of concern. “Carrie?” she asked tearfully.

  “What happened?” I asked, trying to sit up.

  “You passed out. Thankfully Connor caught you before you hit the floor. Let’s eat some lunch then you can rest for a while.”

  I nodded, suddenly starving. Connor helped me to the table and Riley served me a warm panini. I ate like I hadn’t had food in months. Connor surprised me with a margarita cupcake when I was done with my sandwich and I nearly groaned in appreciation.

  After lunch I napped in my room while they watched TV. I knew it was boring and I couldn’t help but feel like an invalid. My friends didn’t need to watch over my every move like I was incapable of doing anything myself. Yeah, I was sore, but I didn’t need constant help.

  Taking a nap felt amazing. I took a pain pill before lying down and woke up feeling more rested than I had in a while. One of the great side effects of the medicine was clearly a dreamless sleep. I could get used to that.

  I shuffled back in the living room and found Connor and Riley snuggled together on my couch. Riley sat up when I came into the room so I could sit with them. We finished watching Lord of the Rings then Connor announced he was hungry. While he went to get pizza I took a shower.

  I almost felt human again after my shower. I was going to ache for a while, but being clean helped me to regain some strength somehow. I didn’t question it, I just enjoyed feeling better.

  Back in comfy sweats I went back to the living room. Connor still wasn’t back so I sat on the couch with Riley. She didn’t waste any time. “Why didn’t you tell me Drew was the father?”

  “I didn’t tell anyone. He didn’t want to tell Xander, and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else or Mandy would find out and then Xander would. Plus, I was ashamed that he wanted to hide us.”

  “Oh, Carrie, I’m sorry you dealt with all this. It’s been going on for months, hasn’t it? He’s the reason you’ve been all over the map emotionally?”

  I nodded through my tears. I hated being an emotional wreck but I couldn’t stop it.

  “I wish you could have told me. And I hate him for doing this to you.”

  I shook my head.
“He was clear we weren’t any more than a fling. I’m the one who got stupid and fell in love with him.”

  “What did he say earlier?”

  “I figured you guys were listening.”

  She shook her head. “It was private and I didn’t want to eavesdrop. When you called Connor’s name we heard. Well, we heard Drew yell a few times and Connor almost went out there, but that was it.”

  “He tried to convince me that he wants me.”

  “What happened? Something changed a week ago. Did you tell him about the baby and he flipped out?”

  “I didn’t know about the baby until Tuesday night when I skipped girls’ night. His ex came back last weekend. She walked into his house, using a key, when I was there. She said she wanted him back and I left. He didn’t argue or tell me to stay or anything. He just let me go.”

  Riley’s hand covered her gaping mouth. “What an asshole!” she managed eventually. “Next time I’ll let Connor kick his ass.”

  I laughed softly, trying not to hurt more than I already was. I shrugged. “It sucks, but it’s done. We’re over. I quit my job Friday and when Xander came to the hospital last night he figured everything out. He’s going to pay me until I can find another job, but I’m not going back there. It’d be too hard.”

  “I don’t blame you. I really didn’t think he was that sort of guy. Mandy’s always talked about how great he is. I guess who a person is with their friends is different than who he is in a relationship. I’m really sorry though.”

  I nodded. There wasn’t anything Riley could say that would make things better. It would take time and eventually I would move on from Drew, but it was too raw. I’d always heard the same things. When I met Drew I thought he was wonderful. It was part of what attracted me to him. He was kind and considerate, he worked hard but took care of those around him. Hell, I even liked how dedicated he was to his mother, even though she hated me.

  At least someone would be happy about us breaking up. His mother was probably throwing a party.

  I asked Riley about READ and allowed her to distract me with talk about her customers for a while. Connor returned with pizza and we enjoyed dinner together on my couch. Once we were done Riley cleaned up and Connor stashed the leftovers in my fridge.

  They settled onto the couch again but I could tell they were ready to go home. Not because they resented helping me, but because they needed time together. I told them how tired I was and said they could go home, even though it was still early.

  “No, Carrie, we’ll stay. We don’t have anything going on tonight,” Riley argued.

  “That’s fine, hun, but if you stay here all you’ll be doing is sitting around without me. I’m still pretty worn out. You guys have fed me and taken care of me all day. I’m ready for another pill and then I’m going to crash. I promise, you guys can go.”

  Another half-hearted argument later and I was locking the door behind them. Charlie was going to be by in the morning with breakfast and Xander and Mandy were on duty the next afternoon, but Riley promised to stop by anyway.

  Alone in my apartment the emotions wrapped around my heart and squeezed. The enormity of what happened hit me hard. I barely made it to bed before I lost all my strength and crashed. I sobbed over the loss of my baby. I sobbed over the loss of Drew. I sobbed for my dad and for the lost years with Megan and my mom. I sobbed over everything I’d ever wanted but knew I’d never get.

  I lost track of how long I was lying there crying over everything I didn’t have. The bed dipped behind me and an arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me close. I didn’t have the energy to fight, even though I knew it was him.

  “Please let me be here for you, baby. I love you. I’m not with her. I fucked up this week, but please let me be here for you now.”

  I cried harder, wanting him to be telling the truth. I needed him, and even though it was going to hurt worse later, I wasn’t strong enough to push him away.

  “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry I’ve been such an ass. I love you so much. I love you, baby.”

  He murmured the words over and over again, as though they were a prayer, in my ear. His voice was soft, but thick with emotion. The warmth of him and the feel of his arms around me was the only comfort I’d had in a week and before long I fell asleep with him holding me.

  When I woke up again it was dark outside. A glance at the clock told me it was almost two am which meant I’d slept just over four hours. I needed to pee and take more meds but I couldn’t get up. There was an arm draped across my body.

  “Drew?” I croaked. I vaguely recalled him having been there but had convinced myself it was another dream.

  He jumped up when I said his name and asked, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, feeling the pain of loss all over again.

  “I’m here to take care of you. I’m not leaving you again. And I’m not letting you push me away. I love y-“

  “Stop. Drew, I know this is the guilt talking and not you. Thank you for being here for me, but I need to move on. I can’t do that if you won’t let me be.”

  “I was never with her. I was an asshole for letting you walk out, but I was in shock. Seeing her again scared the hell out of me, but I never once thought that I wanted her back. When you left the click of the door behind you knocked me out of my trance. She came on to me. The bitch fucking touched me. I had to threaten to call the cops to get her to leave. I never laid a hand on her. I fucking promise you that.”

  I shook my head and tried to get up but was dizzy and fell back to the bed again. Drew was off the bed and kneeling in front of me before my head cleared. “Carrie, you’re weak. What do you need, baby? I’ll do anything.”

  “How did you get in here?”

  “Riley let me in. I told her how much I loved you and that I was going to take care of you. I explained everything to her and she let me in. Will you give me the same chance?”

  I didn’t know what to think. I was pissed that my best friend let in the one person I didn’t want to see. But why? What did he tell her that made her do it?

  “Let me explain the whole thing, please, baby. Give me one more chance and if you still want me to go I’ll leave you alone.”

  It was what I wanted. I needed to be free of him. If I listened it would give me the closure I craved and he would be gone forever.

  Fuck, it hurt to think I’d never see him again.

  “Okay, I’ll listen,” I finally agreed. “But I need another pill first. I’m in a bit of pain.”

  “Anything, baby. Thank you. I’ll get your meds and be right back.”

  He kissed me on the forehead and walked out the door to get my medicine. When he came back a minute later he had a pill and a glass of water in one hand and a slice of cold pizza in the other. “Taking these meds you really should eat something. They can make you delirious.”

  I took the pill then sat up on the bed to eat my pizza while he talked.

  “After you left Brandi told me my mom called her and said she was about to lose me. That she needed to do something quick if she didn’t want to miss her chance. Brandi said she didn’t believe it, even after she walked in on us, but that she wasn’t taking any chances. As far as she was concerned I was hers.

  “When I told her I didn’t love her anymore she got vicious. She started screaming at me that I’d ruined her life and that she couldn’t believe I’d leave her for you - sorry baby, but I want you to know the truth. I tried to stay calm but then she started throwing shit around my house. I finally had to restrain her and when I did she tried to turn it into a fucking game. She rubbed against me and tried to turn me on.”

  “Did she?” I asked, even though I didn’t really want to know.

  “No. Not even a little. She wouldn’t give up though and started taking her clothes off. I told her to get out of my house or I’d call the cops on her for trespassing. She finally left but made sure I knew she wasn’t done. I wanted to come after you, but the cra
zy bitch wouldn’t give me the key back. I called a 24 hour locksmith to come out and change all the locks in the house.”

  He took a deep breath and looked up at me. “I hated her for what she said to you, but even more than that I hated myself for not saying anything. I never should have let you walk out. It’s the one thing I know I’ll never forgive myself for. More than any of that though, I knew I needed to deal with Brandi for good.”

  Drew sat next to me on the bed and stared straight ahead. “I called my mom and asked her what was going on. She accused me of wasting my life with you and said I needed to get serious and get back with Brandi. When I told her what Brandi did and what I told her, she accused me of being a fool. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her again if she was going to treat you that way and if she thought Brandi was a decent human being. I told her I love you and that I was going to do anything to repair what she broke.

  “She didn’t believe me, but I haven’t spoken to her in a week. She’s called me multiple times each day and I won’t answer her calls. I spent Sunday talking to her and at the police station. I filed a restraining order against Brandi so she’ll never come near me again. I also requested that they start one for you but they wouldn’t do it without you being there.

  “During the week I was on that job. When I finished up each day I’d go home and shower and then I came by here but your light was always off. I didn’t want to call you because I knew you wouldn’t talk to me. If I was you, I wouldn’t have answered the phone. Before I knew it the week was over. Friday night I was determined to wait for you, knowing you always stay up later on Friday night. I was sitting outside when Xander called me and said you were in the hospital.”

  He took a deep breath and I felt him shutter beside me. “I’ve never been more scared in my life. He told me not to come to the hospital and that he just wanted me to know because you’d worked for us I realized how fucked up I’d made the whole situation. I was crushed and he didn’t have a clue. I hate to admit this, but I started drinking. I knew I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t go back. I didn’t know what to do.